I'm feeling weak. I'm feeling as if I want to get on the ground and beg. To scream to the stars and plead with the sky. I read somewhere a quote, something along the lines of "Its okay to lose your pride over someone you care about." That's how I feel. I know to outsiders, even friends, this looks sad. This looks as if I'm not being strong. But let me tell you, I am being strong. Everyday I get out of bed. Everyday I live. And don't even factor what has happened over the past few months, just look at my life. I've been through hell and i'm still here. So yes, I relax myself. Because if I don't, I won't be able to get out of bed.
I don't have any desire to write about what I guess would constitute the answer to my question that came back in November. I know to most that would seem definitive. But looking at the situation, I hope you can understand that I'm still unsure. Because of everything I know about the person you are, that I can't let go. The only thing that would make me would be your words. Not a subliminal message either, a straight up no..or whatever it is you would like to say. And I understand that maybe that's not possible. That maybe to do that, would hurt you more than you could stand. And while I would be forever grateful, I understand. I never lied. Your health and happiness are super important to me. Your health being number 1. So if I have to deal with this all the way through, if I have to live with not knowing so that you can stay healthy..then that is fine.
I feel like I will be posting here a bit. Not too much, but just when it gets too much to handle. I originally only intended to write that one post, but it did help me. And I know some of this is personal, but I tried writing it down just for myself, it didn't have the same effect.
Okay, I've got to say this. I know how hard this must have been, and I promised myself a few months back when you told me how hard breakups were on you, that if you ever decided to stop talking to me, I would hold it all in. No posts on twitter, facebook, etc. I care about you that much to hold all of that in. But that was assuming you would tell me that you were done. That we were no longer friends. I hope, and I know you may not, but I hope you can understand that writing about all of this on twitter was a way to keep me sane. To let me leave my pain and go try and enjoy myself. The sad fact is you may have never glanced an eye at my twitter page since then. But knowing that its out there and that someday you might see it was enough to keep me writing.
I'm sorry for all of this. I regret letting my anxiety and emotions get to me. I probably bugged you too much. I probably stressed you out too much. And I'm sorry. With all of my heart I'm truly sorry. I'm ashamed of that. But I do not regret a second I spent as your friend. I was in the overflow parking lot of Starbucks tonight picking up food at Pizans. It didn't hit me until I got back to the car that that was the last place I ever saw you. I had so much fun that day in Towson, and I want to thank you for that. But being there tonight was tough. Tougher than I thought actually. Geez, I can't find a way to end this entry...
There is nothing I can say that will express my emotions enough. Nothing will accurately show how much I want to talk to you. I'm assuming you guys are back in school now, I guess that's also made tonight a tough one. I'll end here, but I hope you have a wonderful stressless semester. I know you'll do great. And if you do read this, thank you. Thank you for at least reading. That would mean the world to me.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
I went to write a tweet and it turned out way too long. So I figured I'd do this.
Everyday I look and hope to see that default blue & white facebook picture has turned back into you. It hasn't changed yet. And I know maybe I'm a fool and maybe I'm only hurting myself. But I can't help it. I'm hoping with all my heart that someday it will change. If only so I may have one more moment. These past few months have been difficult. But I don't want you or anyone to think i'm in a perpetual state of sadness. I am not. I am happy. I have great friends, family, and an overall great life. I just miss you. You are important to me. It's not creepy, its not obsessive, I just care about you. And that doesn't just vanish. It doesn't just go away. Not hearing a single word, having to simply interpret the silence as your answer is hard. It's hard for me to accept and it's hard for me to live with. Especially knowing you and the fact that I believe you when you said you'd never want to stop talking to me forever. So I wait. I hope.
I'm sorry that all I seem to post nowadays happens to be about this. It's only because I have no other outlet. This is the only place where I can not only express myself, but have the chance that it is read by the person it is meant for. Im sorry I just can't let go. I'm sorry if this upsets you, or if it upsets anyone else that is reading. But that is me. That is who Eric Shepperd is. When I care for someone, when I have these feelings, they don't go away. And silence does not deal a fatal blow to them. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't.
I am very aware I may never even get a simple "No" to give me closure, let along the reconnection that I hope for. And If not, I will eventually get over this. Not because I want to be, but because time unfortunately does its damage. I meant what I said though, I welcome a conversation even years from now. I will always care about you. I just hope that I hear from you. But, and I really am being honest here, I'd much rather you live a happy and healthy life than anything else. I've thought about it, and I'd easily give up any chance at a reconnection with you if I could guarantee you a happy and healthy life. I would do it in a heartbeat.
So I'm sorry for how my twitter feed has been. But I am not sorry for holding on. That is the person I am. Good or bad, that is me to the core. It may seem weird or creepy or whatever, but I am 100% genuine. I care about people and I am always truthful and real. This is me. This is who I am. I love life and I know I will go on to have a great life and great friendships. That isn't what this is about. This is about meeting a girl who inspired me beyond belief. A girl who I became an instant fan of, and a girl who'd I do anything for. This is about hope.
Thank you all for reading and letting me get this off my chest. I hope this one day somehow finds its way to the person it is meant for. Either way, I hope they know how much I care and that I miss them.
Life is not fair, but your strength blows me away. Never forget, that you choose to live. Thank you for being who you are.
From the bottom of my heart,