Weakness

I'm feeling weak. I'm feeling as if I want to get on the ground and beg. To scream to the stars and plead with the sky. I read somewhere a quote, something along the lines of "Its okay to lose your pride over someone you care about." That's how I feel. I know to outsiders, even friends, this looks sad. This looks as if I'm not being strong. But let me tell you, I am being strong. Everyday I get out of bed. Everyday I live. And don't even factor what has happened over the past few months, just look at my life. I've been through hell and i'm still here. So yes, I relax myself. Because if I don't, I won't be able to get out of bed.

I don't have any desire to write about what I guess would constitute the answer to my question that came back in November. I know to most that would seem definitive. But looking at the situation, I hope you can understand that I'm still unsure. Because of everything I know about the person you are, that I can't let go. The only thing that would make me would be your words. Not a subliminal message either, a straight up no..or whatever it is you would like to say. And I understand that maybe that's not possible. That maybe to do that, would hurt you more than you could stand. And while I would be forever grateful, I understand. I never lied. Your health and happiness are super important to me. Your health being number 1. So if I have to deal with this all the way through, if I have to live with not knowing so that you can stay healthy..then that is fine.

I feel like I will be posting here a bit. Not too much, but just when it gets too much to handle. I originally only intended to write that one post, but it did help me. And I know some of this is personal, but I tried writing it down just for myself, it didn't have the same effect.

Okay, I've got to say this. I know how hard this must have been, and I promised myself a few months back when you told me how hard breakups were on you, that if you ever decided to stop talking to me, I would hold it all in. No posts on twitter, facebook, etc. I care about you that much to hold all of that in. But that was assuming you would tell me that you were done. That we were no longer friends. I hope, and I know you may not, but I hope you can understand that writing about all of this on twitter was a way to keep me sane. To let me leave my pain and go try and enjoy myself. The sad fact is you may have never glanced an eye at my twitter page since then. But knowing that its out there and that someday you might see it was enough to keep me writing.

I'm sorry for all of this. I regret letting my anxiety and emotions get to me. I probably bugged you too much. I probably stressed you out too much. And I'm sorry. With all of my heart I'm truly sorry. I'm ashamed of that. But I do not regret a second I spent as your friend. I was in the overflow parking lot of Starbucks tonight picking up food at Pizans. It didn't hit me until I got back to the car that that was the last place I ever saw you. I had so much fun that day in Towson, and I want to thank you for that. But being there tonight was tough. Tougher than I thought actually. Geez, I can't find a way to end this entry...

There is nothing I can say that will express my emotions enough. Nothing will accurately show how much I want to talk to you. I'm assuming you guys are back in school now, I guess that's also made tonight a tough one. I'll end here, but I hope you have a wonderful stressless semester. I know you'll do great. And if you do read this, thank you. Thank you for at least reading. That would mean the world to me.